Looking for Rainbows and Yellow Roses in November

“I've been getting rid of some clutter — anything that doesn't serve a positive purpose in my life — and making room for things that feel happy to me. Because I get to make my life whatever I want it to be. I get to make the room feel however I want it to feel. I get to make the closet as full or as spacious as I want it. And, if I have more clutter to get rid of after Christmas, I'm not going to wait a year, or two or three to do it.”   Jan Denise

Have you ever noticed that you life is made by your own design ??? If you are not happy with what is going on in your life it is within your ability to make changes.  Maybe it is just a small change like buying a new pair of shoes to begin taking walks everyday.  Or, maybe like I did you may choose to pack up a truck load of your favorite belongings and move far away from home to attend graduate school.  The year I spent living in Savannah, Georgia after moving from Clarence, New York to attend Savannah College of Art and Design was a banner year of self revelation.

Whatever you decide to do whether it is a large or a small change in your life the goal is to declutter toxic people and things from your life.  The people in your life are there by the laws of attraction. 

Be the kind of person you would like to attract and they will be attracted to you.




This morning I woke up to a crisp, light coating of frost on my garden.  

How did I choose to greet the dawn of this new day ???

  Will I choose to see the cold of winter beginning to set in or will I look for roses blooming in my garden in November???   

The summer of 1994 was a huge turning point in my life. In addition to being a Mommy to Barry and Kara both in elementary school at that time I had devoted the past three years to be a caretaker to my mother during her surgery, double valve and double bi pass to help alleviate her heart disease who was a caretaker to my father with progressing dementia from numerous strokes and TIA's
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/transient-ischemic-attack/DS00220

As much as I tried to be all things to all people I often failed in my intentions to be kind and loving. Most of all I often failed to take time and attention to give loving care to myself.
This tension of my life falling apart as I tried to keep it all together is reflected in my artwork,
  My Life Unraveling at Thirty- five
selected into the Fiberart International 2007

As is the plight of many caretakers I entered years of The 36- Hour Day.
Being intimately involved with a loved one who is dying can be very exhausting and sad.
Or being involved with a loved one who is dying can help us learn important Lessons for LIVING ;~)



I learned how to look for the miracles in unexpected places like seeing this rainbow of sunlight yesterday reflected in the fountain along my daily walk through Clarence Town Park.

The summer my Mother died I lived in Pittsburgh. There was a yellow rose bush in my garden directly behind the driveway. Each day when I backed my car out of the garage I thought, " There will be a yellow rose in bloom when you back out of this garage to attend your Mothers funeral."  As much as I tried to savour each moment the time during the last summer I spent with my Mother felt like it was passing so quickly.  I learned how to play with my parents even as they were dying.  Fireworks are so important to me that I drove my car up over our lawn to the front door so I could take my Mother to see her last fireworks display this side of eternity on the July 4th, 1994.

Sure enough, just like the voice I heard in my head, November 13th, 1994, as I backed my car out of the garage taking the clothing I had selected for my Mother's burial to the funeral home, there they were to greet me.   Yellow roses blooming in November ;~)

I am choosing to be the kind of person that looks for roses in November ;~)



" You're out of the woods, You're out of the dark, You're out of the night. Step into the sun, Step into the light. Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place On the Face of the Earth or the sky."

" You're out of the woods, You're out of the dark, You're out of the night. Step into the sun, Step into the light. Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place On the Face of the Earth or the sky. Hold onto your breath, Hold onto your heart, Hold onto your hope. March up to the gate and bid it open. "   Optimistic Voices Wizard of Oz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nudp1vbaEYE&feature=related

Dear Lord, what did I expect these wonderful people to do for me ???   No one can wave a magic wand and make it all go away.   I wonder if anyone was more excited to arrive at a Cancer Institute around 11:00 in the morning than I was yesterday ???

  arriving at Roswell Park Cancer Institute with my signature Blessing Basket

As soon as I walked into the front doors I was astounded by the similarity I felt to being in the Charlotte, North Carolina Airport, my favorite place for travel trip layovers.   You know, the sunny atrium room with all the really cool, white rocking chairs all lined up near the food court with the good Mexican Enchiladas and the piano bar.  

Well this place has a piano in the lobby too. The young man behind the piano must have played non stop for hours; Claire de lune, fur Elise and Somewhere in Time to mention a few.

There is really kewl art work everywhere, in fact, I found one in a hallway by Dianne Baker a local artist I know and am Linked in with in Buffalo. The furniture in the lobby are really comfortable arts and craft Mission style seating. Everyone from the greeters at the front Information desk, the lovely lady who begins the process of registration as new patient, to the lady who takes insurance and contact information is super nice. Everyone was dressed in really nice, bright, autumnal hues and wears a bright welcoming smile.

I filled out five pages of family history facts, listed all of the vitamins supplements that have been added over the years to my regiment of daily heath habits.  Instead of waiting in a confined space, I chose instead to wait out in the open hall/ balcony where we could enjoy more serene art photos of plants, candles and outdoor scenes.  The nearly two hours in the hall flew by as I occupied my time; people watching, smiling, doing modified Quigong exercises so I did not frighten anyone and reading a magazine about botanical gardens.  

After blood pressure check, body fat/ to weight measure, height and more questions about my vitamins I was back out in the big balcony area for more people watching.  Since I was not very hungry in the morning and had not finished my breakfast it was around 1:00 when I started to get hungry and thirsty for water. No sooner had I mentioned needing a drink of water when two lovely ladies appeared around the pole with a cart full of goodies.  " May I purchase a water from you? " I inquired. 
No this is water is for free they said with a smile.  I passed on the candy as I drank the much coveted water down in a flash.



inside the patients examination room at last ;~)





 After awhile a nice, young intern comes in to hear my story.  She has seen my films and read my reports but she wants to hear my story before she beings to examine my breasts. 

 Then the waiting goes on for about another hour before the doctor arrives apologizing for the delay.
 " No problem I tell everyone, I am just so excited and thankful to be here ;~)"  They seemed surprised and the intern says something to the effect that not many people thank them for being there. 

YES !!!  I have an Attitude of Gratitude for Roswell Park, for the doctors and staff, for the people who donated money to make this wonderful institutions available to me at such a time as this, for the people who had cancer before me and were part of research groups that allowed us to benefit from present day technology. 

YES, I have an Attitude of Gratitude for all of this and more because having a sprinkling of cancer cells is allowing me to grow and meet people I never could have before. 

So the BIG NEWS is  " RELAX Carol, you are not going to die from DCIS Breast Cancer."

  In fact, the cancer has been caught at such an early stage that now I have options to choose what treatment I want to select.  I have been breaking this experience down into baby steps. 

Next step is genetic testing to see if I did inherit breast cancer from my mother.  Driving my papers back to Roswell Park today to expedite the process.

Please come back to visit my blog again as I share my adventures in Breast Cancer in hopes that I will ease the fears and burdens for somebody else through sharing my experiences. 

" Change is not something that we should fear. Rather, it is something that we should welcome. For without change, nothing in this world would ever grow or blossom, and no one in this world would ever move forward to become the person they're meant to be. "  anon

This is Meghan and Barry's cat Fever. Meghan rescued him from the streets of Brooklyn, NY when he hung around her band practice four years ago until he became part of her family.
Here is a clip of Meghan singing with her band Calentura, meaning Fever. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkjQx4ivzWc

 

The first time Meghan saw me was November 2009.  She opened the door to Barry's apartment in Manhattan after a long day at work to find me dancing with Fever in my arms to a Beatles song.

 I knew I would love Meghan before we even met.  Barry told me he sees so many wonderful things in Meghan that he loves in me.  Meghan is an artist, she is a Libra, she had painted her walls the same rich hues i had selected for my home, she is interested in cooking healthy meals, working in her garden and she has a big heart for loving also.  She rescues pets off the street just like has been my practice.

 After she opened her home to Fever two more kitties found their way into their heart and home.  Fever was not happy anymore ;~(  He felt crowded and out of place in his home.  Barry and Meghan convinced me it would be better for Fever to come stay with me for awhile I agreed to see how he adapted to the change. I did not want to rock their boat.  It felt odd taking Meghan's pet away from her, after all, she loved Fever before she loved Barry. 

 

Happy to say Fever adapted famously to living with Gammy.  He is very relaxed and gaining the pounds he lost while he was in distress. When they brought him here to live at Gammy's house right before my surgery on September 28th I thought it was Fever that needed my help. Now I know is I that needed Fever as much as Fever needed me ;~)


He sleeps on the love seat in the sunny window in my studio or follows me around my home and garden. He really loves to sit on a stump and watch when we burn branches in the fire pit.
 
  Fever reminds me to stop, to be conscious of my breathing, to stretch, then to break out in spontaneous play.   



Fever in Downward Dog Position



http://www.allspiritfitness.com/library/features/aa081001a.shtml

We take cat naps in the afternoon in my studio. He climbs down off the back of the love seat then on to my belly where we drift off to dreamland for a few minutes.




Fever makes a great lamp to brighten my days ;~)
notice the shade I am creating from used coffee filters and bees wax



 Have a very Creative Day ;~)

" A gals gotta do what a gals gotta do." Velma Rice

" A gals gotta do what a gals gotta do."  Velma Rice - fashion merchandiser, excellent homemaker, wise woman of faith and life experience and my mother ;~)

There was a beautiful Red Maple tree growing in our yard when we made this house our new home in November 1998.  One year under the cover of heavy winter snow the mole family was so hungry they ate the bark around this tree so much so that I thought it would surely die.  As is my practice in my garden and my life I never cut out broken, injured, damaged plants or people.  Instead I give the proper fertilizer, light, water and time to see how things develop.  The Red Maple survived and to my amazement has flourished in the past eight years since its trunk was damaged. http://www.mdvaden.com/sunscald.shtml

A few weeks ago while the plumbers were here to upgrade my kitchen work space  we had them explore why water was back washing into the garage during rain storm and deep snow pack meltdowns.  Sure enough the Red Maple had found a well spring by breaking the pipeline of our storm drains.  Sadly the day had arrived when I had to admit the tree was more of an nuisance than an object of beauty in my garden.   Before new pipe could be laid and a new island garden could be planted someone had to cut down that tree.    What to do ??? What to do ???

Being only a 10.5 inch caliper tree trunk their was no need for a big tree service company to get this job done.  Confident I could slay this giant myself I asked many of the men in my life to be with me just for good measure.  All of the men I asked for help were busy slaying their own dragons. Each one had his own special reason why I should wait. Each promised to help me when they had more time.

On the morning of October 4, 2010 Western New York was blessed with a bright, sunny morning following what seemed like a week of rain.  I had sent Jim into Pittsburgh for the weekend to be with his mother so this seemed like the perfect time to get the job done !!!





First I removed as many of the lower branches I could reach without a ladder.  This would lighten the load of the trunk working smarter not harder ;~)



my trusty electric saw used to slay the beast  ;~)



About this time my neighbors Barbara and Gaylen heard all the noise in the early morning. OOPS   I was caught before the deed was complete.   My lovely next door neighbors soon joined me in the project. 



Gaylen does the honors to carve the bird





Barbara walking home to the right in this image of the clean cut down tree ready for reconstructive work to be done in the island.

Kara arrived on the scene in time to help clear away the leaves and branches cut into pieces perfect to enjoy with a glass of wine around my fire pit.


It was during the clearing of the leaves and branches that I shared with my neighbors that I had surgery on my breast four days prior in search of breast cancer.  They were both so kind and concerned that I take care of myself and be sure to contact the doctor for results of my biopsy.



  here I am minutes after we cut down the tree sporting the new rice rafferty breast cancer awareness statement necklace

Little did I know then that I would be the new face of breast cancer.

there is no lump,

no discharge,

 no pain,

no change of my skin

I feel very strong and healthy

my cancer cells were found from my diligent surveillance of my general health through routine examines.

Today I am feeling truly BLESSED that my cancer cells were found in the early Stage 0, DCIS

http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/types/dcis/

Now, for all of the people in my life who feel knowing I have a few cancer cells in my body scares you to death. 

 Relax !!!

You can not get cancer from me ;~)  Cancer is not a contagious disease. 

 I will have genetic testing to see if I am a carrier of the gene from my mother to my children.

Some people who hear I have cancer cells in my breast mumble something about breast cancer not being in their family as a thy walk away from me.  Sorry they are not aware that 90% of all breast cancers are not related to a family history.  For those women like me who have a family history perhaps we are very fortunate to be vigilant in a breast health care ;~)

Honestly, no one is sure they are immune to breast cancer.

http://www.facingourrisk.org/info_research/hereditary-cancer/hereditary-genetics/index.php

Go get yourself tested...

You can relax also that I am not going to die from breast cancer right here in front of you. 

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/family-health/cancer/articles/2009/10/22/the-confusion-over-dcis-what-to-do-about-stage-zero-breast-cancer.html?PageNr=1

In fact, my mother, Velma Rice found her breast cancer mass in 1958 when she was just 35 years old. She had a mastectomy of her left breast followed by radiation treatments for 30 days.  My mother then went on to live another 35 years and she never was bothered by cancer again.  In fact, she died of a stroke.  Perhaps her blockages were aggravated by the radiation treatments given to cancer patients back then.

 I may in fact never die of cancer either.

 " There is nothing to fear but fear itself. " Franklin D. Roosevelt

Hope you find it in your heart to share a cup of tea with me ;~)

in the meantime,

 A gals gotta do what a gals gotta do and I have more dragons to slay ...

 Are you with me ???  Do you have my back ???

so you plant your own garden...

        After a While

After a while you learn the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn

that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises,
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.


And you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.


After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much, so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.


And you learn that you really can endure,

you really are strong, you really do have worth,

and you learn and you learn.
With every goodbye, you learn.

.....by Veronica Shoffstall

I have cancer cells in my breast in multi focal points.  There is no mass.  I do not feel sick.  It was a shock to me when the results of my bilateral biopsy showed malignant cells in my right breast.  I was shocked, stunned when I first heard this news.  Oh, Jesus, I said, How can this be ???
 My body heals so quickly.  Immediately I asked where do I go from here??? 

I AM HERE back in the middle of another chance to learn lesson for living.  I have been in a an intensive learning room before.             All Shall Be Well.  

Like a seed planted in the earth I will grow.  From this learning experience I will look a bit different but it will still be me.  
Souls do not break, they bounce ;~) 

I am Ultra Feminine Warrior.                All Shall Be well


Winter will be here for awhile then Spring will come again




Tuesday was a warm and sunny in Clarence NY so I planted my bulbs in my new island garden.



Winter will be here for awhile but Spring will come again ;~)

"What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it."

"What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it."   J. Krishnamurti

I am learning an old lesson in a new way.  If you have been following my blog for the past two months you know I have been on a journey with breast cancer.  After the bilateral lumpectomies on September 28th I felt wonderful within a few days.  So good in fact I cut down a tree in my garden along with the assistance of my senor citizen neighbors Gaylen and Barbara and my daughter Kara using an electric power saw.   With my usual Ultra Feminine Warrior strength I bounced back to focus on life leaving the past two month is the rear view mirror.  As a reward for myself during all of the mammograms and ride in the MRI machine I promised myself that my birthday would be celebrated with both of my children.  We all enjoyed a lovely weekend in West Chester, New York.




Here I am wearing the new Breast Cancer Awareness Statement Necklace I designed for rice rafferty celebrating birthdays with Kara, Barry and Meghan outside of the church where Meghan and Barry are making plans to marry each other ;~)

 

After birthday celebration mass with my family, Meghan and I are bookend birthday Libras, Oct. 9th and 17th ;~)

On the drive back from Barry and Meghan's the doctors office called to ask why I missed my appointment that day.  Kara thinks it was accidentally on purpose as I was so excited to put all of the medical procedure's in my rear view mirror.  I am usually organized to a fault for appointments and responsibilities. Today I will attend a new appointment with destiny.  After speaking with my surgeon over the phone at my insistence she had the unenviable task to break the news cancer cells were found in the biopsy of my right breast.


Doctor said it is not her practice to give patients news like this over the phone but after getting to know me she thought it best to tell me sooner rather than let me wait until today in her office.

So far I learned I have stage 0 Breast Cancer known as DCIS or Ductal Carcinoma In Situ http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/types/dcis/

I designed the  rice rafferty Breast Cancer Awareness Statement Necklaces for women Inspired by the Look Good Feel Better  http://lookgoodfeelbetter.org/   I took the training certification classes for Look Good Feel Better  as part of my continuing education while we still lived in Pittsburgh.  The first two statement necklaces I designed I offered to a charity fundraiser in Buffalo, NY and Pittsburgh, Pa.   The people from Viva for Life http://www.roswellpark.org/calendar/2010-09-24/viva-life sent a nice young man out to my home to pick up one necklace.    I did not hear from the Pittsburgh coordinator until she wished me Happy Birthday after their event was over.   Little did I know when I thanked the Creator for health and healing during morning mass for my birthday as I wore this statement necklace, it was not accepted because I would need this one for myself.

I believe in a divine Higher Power who loves all of us and is greater than all of us.  The older I get I am learning everything happens for a reason.   Most importantly I believe in the words of Julian of Norwich   "ALL SHALL BE WELL"  http://www.umilta.net/julian.html

This statement necklace will be with me on my journey inspiring me to look good and feel better.

Forgive me as I have to jump on my stationary bike for 9 kilometers, read from my meditation literature and get ready for my visit with my surgeon at 1:00 today.

As I prepare myself for this journey I remember the words spoken to me often by my mother during the three years I took care of her and daddy before they died seven months apart.
" A gals got to do what a gals got to do."    Velma Rice

Right now I have to go and take care of myself. Thanks for reading my blogs ;~)  Please come back to spend a little time with me as I share my experience of my journey.

Now go make yourself a VERY CREATIVE DAY ;~)   Carol Ann Rice Rafferty

" What if God made a mistake? "

" What if God made a mistake?

Buddy: Well, the way I figure it, he never makes mistakes. I mean, he made sure we got together."  Fried Green Tomatoes

Patricia Neal (born September 21, 1944), known professionally as Fannie Flagg, is an American actress, comedienne and author.

Looking out from my kitchen window I see the tomato plants that served me these past few months are showing the wear from a few overnight frosts.  Part of today's work will be to gather the last of the green tomatoes then clear away the old plant material into my composting heap.

                         This morning I greeted the day with a nice plate of Fried Green Tomatoes.

Sliced green tomatoes coated with corn meal, seasoned sea salt, and fresh ground black pepper.
  Next I heated my wok coated with a little no stick baking spray and a few dashes of olive oil.

The work surface of my island shows the process as well as a pan of oven roasted, fresh beets, washed, tops and bottoms trimmed then lightly sprinkled with olive oil the cooked until tender in a 350 degree heat.


  I served these Fried Green Tomatoes with fresh, Free Range Eggs sprinkled with grated, Sharp New York Cheddar Cheese and slices of warmed Prosciutto.
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosciutto




Awe, yes it's  Autumn in New York ...

     Autumn is the end of summer, the beginning of a rest for the fields and a good time for Thanksgiving.  God, he or she, the Creator of the Universe does not make mistakes. Everything happens for a reason.
It is that Higher Power brought us together.




Get outside and enjoy some part of this day. Be sure to make some mistakes today also, it will give you practice forgiving yourself as well as provide you with another chance to grow...

Eat from God's Table meaning eat your food as close to the way it looks in nature.

In everything give thanks ;~)